In Which IfIHadAHiFi and Year of the Scavenger Tear Shit Up in an Unfuckwithable Manner

Friday, Feb. 6: IfIHadAHiFi/Year of the Scavenger/Begin By Gathering Supplies at Quenchers

Some quick bullet points about Friday's show in Chicago:
-Quenchers is probably now our favorite venue in Chicago. Beat Kitchen has always treated us well, and the fact that we haven't played Union Rock Yards since the Touch & Go 25 afterparty necessitates the "probably," but it's hard to go wrong with a venue with a pretty decent sound system, what looks to be 100+ kinds of beers available, an automatic crowd, and a $5 "recommended donation" combined with a payout from the bar.
-Shit, that wasn't a very quick bullet point.
-After 8 years of playing shows in Chicago, we FINALLY have something resembling a draw in Chicago.

We arrived at the venue at nearly the same time as Year of the Scavenger, our road buddies for the weekend and the current project of our hetero rocker lifemates Cody and Chuck. Nearly as soon as we walked in we were greeted by a ton of Chicago pals, and by the end of the night, it was hard to keep track of everyone: loads of EA Forum folks; Dan from Latest Flame and Matt from the Gunshy; our pal AJ; our other pal K; now ex-Lustie Michael and Joie Superstarcastic, with a posse of about four others; the illustrious Ellie Maybe. How do you establish a draw in a foreign city? Make friends over a period of 8 years.

Begin By Gathering Supplies started the night off with a killer set of what i'd best describe as 80s-influenced noise-pop played with a guitar, a live sequencer/synth, and a new drummer. At times the live drumming clashed with the sequenced drums, but when it did, it was minimal and didn't last long before things got solid again. Best part of the set was actually when the sequenced drums dropped out, giving the new drummer the ability to just bash with no regard for syncing with the machine. But whenever he did bash, he wouldn't get out of time and the sequenced drums would come back in right on time. Solid debut for the new guy.

It's stupid to a degree to say i waited for YotS to set up like an expectant parent or something like that, since we've been playing with Chuck and Cody's bands for years, but this was their latest ensemble's first trip out of town and we were the ones that got them the show, so i stood there confident that they'd bring it but hoping that all my pals in the audience would dig it. Within one and a half songs Michael ex-Lustie walked past me and said "I already fucking love 'em." Consider it brought! They sounded great on the Quenchers stage and had the crowd won over pretty much immediately--not too much of a surprise in retrospect since their brand of 90s Dischord-via-70s arena rock is really tailor made for an audience weaned on Albini/Yow badassery.

Notable events during the YotS set: 1) Woman asks for the microphone and says some disparaging remark about whoever left a tampon in the ladies' toilet, or something; 2) either that woman or a second, slightly weirder one (i forget which) leaned over to me and said "i think one of these guys should get naked. I think it should be the drummer." 3) Second girl later leans over to me and asks, "can i cut off one of your curls?" She then motions that she wants to put said curl in *her* hair, like some sort of weird Native American trophy. I diplomatically explain "um, i think my girlfriend has final say over all my curls," and then politely say "i'll think about it," successfully avoiding her for the rest of the night. At our last Quenchers show, i signed a boob; at this one, a girl was asking me for a lock of my hair. What the hell is the deal with this venue?

Our set was a barnburner by every possible measurement. I started off working the cheap heel heat by saying "this is weird; i normally get up here and start ragging on your sports teams, but there's no football or baseball right now, so who cares?" K immediately yelled "It's hockey season, motherfucker!" and a couple others people (i.e. a very loaded Scott from the Chrome Robes) immediately started yelling at us to "Go back to North Dakota!" and "Go Canadiens!" and such ridiculousness. So good! Yale responded with cracks about the parking and toll booths that got some cheap boos as well--all good-natured kayfabe storyline booing, of course.

Yes, i'll be using wrestling slang all throughout this entry, thanks.

We tore through eight songs and had the ladies dancing and singing along up front while Yale gave the soundguy fits. He first asked "please don't do that" while Yale ran his guitar neck up and down the ceiling ductwork, then got *really* pissy when Yale ran out the door behind the stage onto the sidewalk. (It was later explained to the Wizard that they've had issues with their licensing due to the noise.) While the soundguy was having an aneurysm, the audience was cracking the hell up (so i'm told, as i was not wearing my glasses in order to achieve maximum ruckus).

Final door take: $170 from donations and an extra $100 from the bar--$90 per band. The extra from the bar is what makes Quenchers a classy fucking joint.

After the show we bid adieu to YotS as they spent the night at AJ's (well, Brian and Chuck did--Cody had friends at the show and drunkenly tried to get the rest of the band to hit a bar with his friends, leading to a hilarious standoff where Brian and Chuck got into the van and said, "Cody, we're leaving," to which Cody said, "no, we're going to the bar! Fuck it, i'll take a cab to AJ's! Go then!" As Chuck and Brian drove away, Cody suddenly exclaimed, "they really left! Fuck, i don't know where AJ lives!" Or something like that. I assured him that since we were all planning to meet up at Kuma's at 11:30 the next morning, he could just meet us all there), and headed to our friend Randall's pad for after-bar beers and VH1 Classic. Highlights apparently included Yale punching Mat from Builder/Destroyer in the nuts, a two-hour quest to achieve a pizza order, and a hilarious running joke where we would loudly plan to grab the car belonging to one of our drunk female friends (who was alone in the next room trying to pass out), causing her to continually yell "NOOOO!" and fling open the door to yell about how we weren't taking her car, falling out of her dress all the while. Amazing. Eventually pizza was achieved and we attempted to get some sleep on the floor at around 6:30. Random drunk conversations kept me up until around 7 or 7:30, and i had a very interrupted 2 or 2 1/2 hours of sleep before i had to rouse the gang to rally for Kuma's at their opening time of 11:30 AM.

YotS got to Kuma's just before us and were the third party in line our of at least eight parties when we got their and stood with them as part of their group. We were seated and Rev.Ever and i immediately ordered a pair of deliciously spicy bloody marys in order to get the nutrients flowing again.

The following will be the only photo of this entry:



This is the AXEHANDLE, February's special at Kuma's. According to Google, Axehandle are an Alabama Thunderpussy side project with two drummers, so the name now sort of makes sense, as the photo you just saw consists of the following: a bed of waffle fries, a 10 oz. Kuma's burger, an egg, sausage gravy, and two biscuits. And it was AMAZING. The Wizard wins the award for polishing his Axehandle off and completely cleaning the plate, fries, gravy, and all; i didn't have his stamina (nor did i have Yale's, who took down his entire Mastodon [BBQ Sauce, Cheddar, Bacon, Frizzled Onions]). Brian from YotS sung the praises of his High On Fire [Siracha Hot Chili Sauce, Prosciutto, Roasted Red Pepper, Grilled Pineapple, Sweet Chili Paste] all the way to Bloomington, Indiana...where we were headed next!

Saturday, Feb. 7: Waxeater/IfIHadAHiFi/Beati Paoli/Found Objects/Year of the Scavenger at a Bloomington Basement

We arrived in Bloomington with enough time to chill out at the pad of our pal Rob (of Waxeater and Tremendous Fucking fame), which gave us time to get to know the Beati Paoli guys and hang with Rob and TremFu drummer Ed. But before long it was time to head to a liquor store and then the venue, a ridiculously large basement set up better than any basement currently operating in Milwaukee, i promise you that.

This basement was big enough to have a back room for gear storage, a makeshift bar where cans of Pabst (and later Beast and Bud Light Ice or whatever bullshit Rob and i bought for the house when they ran out) were provided, and still provide standing room for at least 100 kids while another 150 or so milled about the rest of the house. Kids flowed in and out of the basement like they were the house's circulatory system, always pumping, pumping.

YotS opened this show (which was jam packed full by the time they started at about 10:45) and once again slammed. Brian eventually attracted a group of young ladies he dubbed his "biddies" while Rob and i checked out one particular brunette in a white dress, then looked at each other and shook our heads. "Man, i'm ten years younger than you, and *i* feel dirty," Rob remarked. True that. Underage drinking, capacity issues, and statutory rape fantasies--how more rock 'n' roll could a party get? (OK, not really statutory rape--she was probably 19 or 20, and hell, it's Indiana. What's their age of consent, 12?)

Once again, our set was complete chaos in the best way. When we set up someone (i think maybe Rob) started yelling at us to play our Mclusky cover (which we played twice live in 2007 and haven't touched since). Brian immediately picked up on it and yelled "yeah! 'To Hell With Good Intentions!'", not realizing that that's our Mclusky cover. We started sort of playing it as a joke, and by the third verse we were slamming through it with abandon, which was just silly and led into another totally blazing set, complete with party numbers to get the kids dancing (including our Go-Gos and Burma covers, as well as classic HiFi No More Music-era jams like "Potential Energy," "Chance-Medly" and "Doubting Thomas Telescope." Kids danced and slammed into us and our pals playfully fucked with Yale up front. So awesome.

After our set Waxeater tore shit UP with some crazy Jesus Lizard-inspired noise rock that had the mosh pit flowing with a madness. I watched about half the set and then made my way back to our merch, where i saw some dumbass kid trying to steal a Found Objects t-shirt. As he stuffed it down his pants i walked right up to him and asked, "are you gonna pay for that?" He gave me this nervous "busted" grin, pulled the shirt out and threw it back onto their merch pile. Two kids standing near me looked at me and asked, "who the hell steals a local band's t-shirt at a basement show?" A selfish fucking idiot, that's who. I hope you stumble across this, asshole, because i call you out on the internet as a piece of shit! OooooOOOOOOooooo.

After the show i stood outside talking to a rather drunk Chuck, asking him if he had enjoyed his weekend. "It got us wondering why we bother playing shows in Milwaukee." I nodded knowingly.

It really was a rewarding experience being able to bring our pals along on these shows. First, it's really nice to be able to use our years of networking to help our friends get in front of some appreciative crowds outside of Wisconsin (and it's not every trip where each show is in front of a shit-ton of people, like this weekend). Plus, on a selfish note, it's nice to be able to show off to our pals and show them how we do it in front of a non-Wisconsin crowd. For years while we were treated to indifference in Milwaukee (not like we're any hot shit now, but at least our Cactus shows are well-attended these days), we'd tell people how it was a different story when we hit the road, how we'd routinely blow some people away in another town and leave them freaking out about our live show. It was nice to go out and back it up and show off in front of our friends. Heh heh.

Waxeater will be heading up to Chicago and Milwaukee and playing shows with us in March. Chicago's all set at Union Rock Yards (the Payless basement where we rocked the T&G25 afterparty), and Milwaukee's still in progress. But do come out and see them, because they fucking bring the NOISE.

IfIHadAHiFi/White Wrench Conservatory “Search for Snufflegus” Tour, Vol. 3

Oh hai, everybody. We still have tour reports to finish posting, don't we? Hrm, let's get on that...TWO MONTHS AFTER TOUR ENDED. Oops.

IfIHadAHiFi/White Wrench Conservatory “Search for Snufflegus” Tour, Vol. 3


In Athens, OH, photographed by Dixie Jacobs

9.30.08: Andyman’s Treehouse, Columbus, OH w/Lollipop Factory and Swiss Army Mouth

Right about here, on a Tuesday night, the concept of a well-attended rock show pretty much runs out of steam, as it often does when no one in a strange town knows who you are and suckas gotsta work in the AM. Andyman’s is a cute little venue with a friggin’ TREE growing through the room where the bands play, extending upward through the roof. We play with the delightful Swiss Army Mouth and Lollipop Factory--the former an instrumental indie-prog band, the latter a sexy-as-hell two-piece playing crazy 70s proggy pop-rock over a thumping drum beat provided by standing drummer Becca, whose rhythmic stylings make this lonely road-weary drummer a little uncomfortable, if you get what I’m sayin’.

Both our bands play well once again; at this point, I’m feeling pretty confident in our two-band touring rock ’n’ roll juggernaut’s ability to deliver the goods consistently all tour. Unfortunately, on this night we both deliver to essentially the other bands and maybe a half-dozen stragglers curious about the racket. Ah well; the first four shows were so gangbusters that we were due for a minor letdown (which wasn’t much of one, since we were still hanging out with rad out-of-town pals).

10.1.08: The (Bruce) Manor, Athens, OH w/Fleshworld

Ya know, it’s never a good sign when you’re setting up your equipment to open the show, and the residents of the basement that is so graciously hosting you that night exclaim “man, this is the worst show we’ve ever had!” No, they weren’t referring to the quality of the bands, as their madly dancing asses could attest mere minutes later—they were referring to the fact that no one was showing up for this house show. Essentially, our set was played in front of the house residents, but if there’s one thing we learned from reading Get in the Van, it’s that you play your ass off for whoever’s there, because it’s not their fault that no one else showed up. Well, in this case, since these guys were the ones responsible for promoting the damn show, maybe things were a little different, but whatever. Again, we blew suckers away, causing a very large, very awesome dude named Pencil to exclaim, “this guy [Yale Delay] stuffed his entire fist in my mouth and I didn’t bite it off! I liked it that much!”

Fortunately, a modest number of people started trickling downstairs during the WWC set, and they once again ruled it in front of an appreciative, if small, crowd. Have I mentioned that HiFi bassist MrAlarm (aka The Fucking Wizard) has been sitting in on bass for a lot of WWC’s songs this tour? It’s been doing many of their already excellent songs a lot of favors, believe you me.

Anyway, the real story of this night is not the show, it’s the Smiling Skull Saloon, a bar down the street where they were having karaoke that night. DUDES. Karaoke in a city where no one knows you = license to get STUPID. In the words of Slater from WWC: “One of the last things I remember that night before I blacked out was you coming up to me and saying ‘I totally signed us up for “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul.’” The incriminating video has yet to surface on YouTube, but rest assured it exists.

The night ended with a blacked-out Rev.Ever trying to start nut-punching fights with Slater and Thom and constantly getting beaten down by them. The next morning, the Rev. and I were the first ones up, and his first words to me were “why does my knuckle feel like it’s broken?”

10.2.08: The Fire, Philadelphia, PA with NOBODY

Let’s see…the “local band” on the bill for this early “all-ages” show was actually some horrible mallpunk band from Jersey, and they didn’t show anyway, leaving our two bands to play in front of two people (a pair of Dixie’s friends from college) while the rest of the bar watched the Phillies trounce the Brewers in Game 2 of the NLDS. The highlight of this show was when it was over, as we watched Sarah Palin stumble through the VP debates. Give the Fire credit for letting us crash in the office/apartment upstairs, ensuring that nothing would get stolen from our van in the middle of the night, but otherwise, Philly can more or less eat one.

10.3.08: The Basement, Kingston, NY

You want the bad news first? OK, here it is: we chat with the owner of the Basement, a killer hole in the wall in Kingston, NY, about halfway between NYC and Albany. “So, are there any locals on the bill tonight?” “Well, if you want, we can get on the phone and see if we can rustle a local up for you.” Uh, wtf, dude. You know that pretty much defeats the purpose of a local band, right? You know…draw, promotion, that sort of thing? Milwaukee, be thankful we have clubs like the Cactus Club, where the staff bust their ass to put locals on every bill and make sure every show has a chance of doing well.

Still, the good news is that the owner immediately redeemed himself, despite not paying us any money, by saying “you guys drink for free all night.” Oh, you silly man. We’re from Wisconsin. You’d be farther ahead paying us each $100 out of the bar and giving us a couple drink tickets.

After we play a pair of stellar sets (again) and soundly kick the asses of the smallish Friday night crowd (again), we move on to lots of top-shelf whiskey and cases upon cases on Pabst. The bar staff is completely awesome. Dani is a 33-year-old rocker chick who not only holds her own with me in hair metal trivia, but remembers bands I had long forgot, like Sweet FA. Seriously, Sweet FA? We’re completely in love with the Basement and their staff and resolve to make a return trip as soon as is humanly possible. Small crowd, no money, but a great time.

Still, despite the last four nights of less then stellar payouts, we’ve somehow moved enough merch through the first week of tour to feel comfortable springing for a hotel room for our two bands. Do not underestimate the value of doing this once in a while on the road. After a week of floors and couches, a nice cozy hotel room and hotel shower can do wonders toward making you feel like a human being again.

…Even if half the people in the room still have to sleep on the floor. On to Boston!

IfIHadAHiFi / White Wrench Conservatory "Search for Snufflegus" Tour 2008: Vol. 2

HiFi in Indianapolis, by Dixie Jacobs

Here's the poem Thax Douglas presented us with in Chicago:

IfIHadAHiFi #2

Colonizing

Space with its

Feathered hurricane

It implants a

New country,

A kind of mega-house,

Tucked between

Each layer as new

Winds of logical outrage

How I as memory

Begets memory

Of wrongness that

Never goes

Awry as it fades

Outward, its

Shattered daddy-

Bell refusing to

Ring another tone

To further

The legacy.

I can has awesome?

9.27.08: Mac's, Lansing, MI w/a pair of high school punk bands

Our bands are bad for children. We played an all-ages show at Mac's
which was set up by our friend Tom Muth, formerly of the fantastic
Killdozer-influenced pigfuck band Red Swan, and of course Slater and Thom from White Wrench Conservatory immediately break into the "Bring Back the Pussy" porn video references from the night before. To hear Tom Red Swan tell it, "as soon as you guys started making pussy jokes,
some parents that were here to see one of the local bands immediately
headed for the door." The scene from in front of the stage: Thom asks
"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned pussy fucking?"; Slater
responds, "What about the girls who don't do anal? They have to work
too!"; tons of high school boys crack the hell up as a bunch of high
school girls look horrified. Yep, we're going to hell.

Our last few shows at Mac's were 21+ bar shows with sparse attendance,
so it was a nice change of pace to play in front of a bunch of kids
who don't have the jaded "seen it" attitude of so many aged rockers
that we've played in front of. After WWC charmed the kids at Mac's, we
blazed through a solid half-hour that saw the kids in attendance just
lose their shit. It was fun as hell. It was especially gratifying (and
ego-boosting; whatever, those who know us know we're in love with
ourselves, it's cool) to know that our friends in WWC got to watch a
bunch of kids dance their asses off to our music. Slater called it the
best HiFi show he had ever seen, simply because of how the band and
audience were feeding off each other for energy. Personally, we
thought we didn't play as well as we did in Chicago, but i can see why
the audience response would make up for that. A good show is more than
just how the band played, after all. Bottom line: we need to play more
all-ages shows.

Pay from the door amounted to about $25 per band, but we're still
coasting on last night's gas money, so no worries there. We packed up
and made our way to Tom's pad, where we were greeted with an
incredible pasta dinner made by Tom's girlfriend Ellen, a half-Bengal
cat named Wally (a new addition to the Muth household since last time,
and OH MY GOD do I want a Bengal kitty of my own! Gah!), and Tom's
home-distilled liquor. Yeah. Tom owns a still. His "apple jack" booze
is 120 proof and out of sight.

Nights Rev.Ever sleeps in the van due to severe cat allergy: 1

9.28.08: House Show in Indianapolis w/We Are Hex and Small Arms Fire

Jilly from We Are Hex is
someone we've known for seven years, ever since our first ever
mini-tour, which took us to her home in Muncie, IN (home of Tim
Robbins' character in the criminally underrated The Hudsucker Proxy!).
It's always a treat to see her and play with one of her bands, and
really, that's what this tour is about more than anything—getting to
hang out with our friends from all over the eastern US. You know that
scene in American Hardcore where the one dude is talking about how
most normal people hear "San Diego" and think of the zoo, but because
he was in a touring hardcore band, he hears the words "San Diego" and
thinks of Battalion Of Saints? That quote resonated with me because
I'm the same way, and when i think of Indianapolis i think of We Are
Hex.

This house show was a perfect "let's help out some touring bands"
storm of drunken locals lookin for a party, a surprisingly
nice-sounding basement with a decent PA (and fun lighting that made
for great photos!), and local cops that apparently didn't give a damn
that a bunch of rambunctious punk kids were drinking in a yard on a
Sunday evening in Indianapolis (in a state where you can't buy alcohol
on Sunday because it's the Lord's day, and everyone knows the Lord
hates Hamm's and Milwaukee's Best. So, like, are Jews allowed to buy
beer on Sundays, Indiana? Well ARE THEY?!?).

Our bands' sets were accompanied by great performances by locals href="http://www.myspace.com/smallarmsfire">Small Arms Fire and
the aforementioned We Are Hex, who play a gothy sort of darkwave punk
that i immediately decide i'd love to book at Club Anything some
night. We Are Hex w/IfIHadAHiFi and, say, Lambs of Abortion--tell me
the goths wouldn't lose their minds (if not their 50 cent Rolling
Rock). Both WWC and the HiFi on this night played pretty excellent
sets, and this being day 3, i'm feeling good about how practiced up we
are as bands. We're in the pocket and seriously delivering every
night. This is solid.

Nights Rev.Ever sleeps in the van due to severe cat allergy: 2

9.29.08: Uncle Fester's in Bloomington, IN w/We Are Hex and
Tremendous Fucking

A few weeks before tour i went to see my pals in the Chicago punk band
The Lusties play at Points
East Pub. Their bass player, Michael Lustie, presented me with an
official Lusties condom with their logo on the package (with the
awesome disclaimer "objects in condom may appear larger than actual
size"). I told Michael that i would try to use it on tour and text
message him as soon as the deed was done. I thought maybe that would
have been a little creepy for him, but he replied with "i demand
video," which trumped me in the creepy department with a quickness.

Why do i bring this up? To dispel the myth that dudes touring the
country in indie bands get mad crazy laid in the best rock and roll
tradition. Maybe it happens for other, more conventional bands, but
four sci-fi nerds on the road are gonna bat a good solid .000 (sure,
two guys in the band are taken, but that just means we single dudes
have to step it up). CASE IN POINT: Bloomington, IN, one of our
favorite cities in the country to play by a mile.

Uncle Festers is part of a loose network of bars in Indiana that
partake in a series of shows called href="http://www.punkrocknight.com/">Punk Rock Night. There's a bar
in Indianapolis that does it on Saturday, some bar in (i think) Ft.
Wayne that does it on Sunday, and Festers does it on Monday. What this
means is that Festers ALWAYS does good business on Monday nights,
which is a blessing and a half for touring bands. Weeknights are
always sketchy for unknown touring bands, so a Monday night in a town
that knows and loves us cannot be trifled with. And this night, while
not quite as packed as previous HiFi Punk Rock Nights, was no
different.

Once again, WWC and we slammed through solid sets and sounded probably
as good as we have all tour, thanks to a killer sound system run by
our pal Mike from the great Bloomington Band href="http://www.myspace.com/pushpull">Push-Pull. We Are Hex and Tremendous Fucking were
great once again, although Hex's set had some weird tense moments. But
TremFu brought the PAIN with a cover of Mclusky's "Lightsaber
Cocksucking Blues!"

After the show, i began my nightly post-show ritual of dutifully
standing by our merchandise in the hopes that a few drunk bar patrons
actually liked our set enough to contribute to our gas fund by
actually buying a CD or t-shirt. I believe as of day four of the tour,
our total CD sales stand at around 5 copies. Ah well, i download as
much as anyone else, so i shouldn't bitch.

"But what does this have to do with making the carnal what what on
tour, DrAwkward?" i hear you asking. Well, as i'm standing there by
the merch, two cute young ladies start showering me with praise for
being a drummer who sings lots of lead vocals. "That must be really
HARD!" "Wel, yeah, i had to practice it a long time; i used to suck at
it prety badly." Etc. etc, talk about Wisconsin, talk about Indiana,
etc. I decide one of the girls is hot enough that i'm going to make
sure they know about Rob from TremFu's afterbar. "Oh, we don't know,
we have class at like 9:30." THAT'S PLENTY OF TIME TO RECOVER. ROB,
MAKE SURE THEY HAVE DIRECTIONS TO YOUR HOUSE.

We make our way to Rob's for the afterbar and immediately The Wizard
(HiFi bassist and scallywag) starts running game on the girl i had
targeted. COCK-BLOCKED BY THE WIZARD. Sumbitch. I decide that the
friend, who is also cute, will now command my attention, but as they
were both about 21, drunk, and actually kind of annoying (at some
point there begins some ridiculous exchange where one of them declares
she wants to be an actress, and starts practicing her death scenes by
having the Wizard shoot her with a fake gun), i quickly lose interest.
Despite my sad attempts at alpha male-dom, at the end of the day i'm
more interested in making intellectual connections with people, and
"WHOO I'M PRETENDING I'M SHOT OMG I'M DRUNK" isn't gonna cut it, no
matter how cute those shorts look on you, missy. After a trip into the
graveyard next to Rob's place to check out a grave marked with the
last name "BATMAN" (no really), the party starts to break up and we
collapse in various places around the house. No love connections are
made and i really don't care, because we rocked the hell out of
Bloomington and engaged in ridiculous shenanigans afterward.

Nights Rev.Ever slept in the van because he passed out in a chair,
then drunkenly tried to steal the Wizard's couch after the Wizard went
to the bathroom = 1


Gravestones marked "BATMAN" and drunkenly urinated on by a member of
White Wrench Conservatory = 1

NEXT: Remember what i said about weeknight shows being hell on unknown
bands? Yeah, that.


We are going to hell.

IfIHadAHiFi/White Wrench Conservatory "Search for Snufflegus" Tour 2008: Vol.1

So we're home, and that means that it's time to dole out the tour diaries. We'll be posting these once a week until we're done, usually in chunks of multiple days. Currently, the tour diary is being posted first on the local Milwaukee Fan-Belt blog, but since they're (probably wisely) editing these for space, you'll get the unedited version here about a week after theirs runs. And with that, we give you day one:


photo by Logan Jacobs

9.26: Chicago, IL—Quencher’s w/Bear Claw and the Ellie Maybe Experience

Fantastic first day. The drive was uneventful and a slew of buddies and pals were waiting for us in Chicago. Bear Claw are old friends of ours from their days in Carbondale, which they referenced onstage (“hey, remember when we played Bo Jr.’s in Carbondale and you threw your cymbal stand in the river?” Note: I was sick and that stand had been giving me shit, ok?). And Ellie Maybe and Dixie from WWC became fast friends at this year’s Steel Bridge Songfest in Sturgeon Bay, making the show just a big ol’ sick gross lovefest. Adding to the fun was the fact that the Brewers took game one of their season-ending series against the Cubs, putting the Crew a game up on the Mets for the NL Wild-Card. So obviously I needed to talk shit from the stage while proudly sporting a Milwaukee t-shirt.

We were also surprised by an appearance from the great Thax Douglas, Chicago poet about town and music scene mainstay. Thax is known for writing poems about rock bands and reading them before they play; the first time we met him was when he showed up at a show we played in Chicago in 2001 and asked to read a poem he wrote about us. Tonight he wanted to debut “IfIHadAHiFi #2” before our set, and obviously we obliged. Totally made my entire night.

The set itself was pretty furious—we slammed through a solid mix of old and new songs, plus threw in our cover of Killdozer’s “The Buzzard” to give Yale some mischief time in the audience. Response was great, we played well, and Yale stuck his head through White Wrench Thom’s shirt and carried him on his back. Good times.

Tonight got us off on the right track financially, too--$120 for us and the same for White Wrench, which we knew would be the most we’d make for the next two days.

After the show we made our way to Thom’s friend Mark’s place for late night wine and Mexican food. A certain adult-themed video in Mark’s possession entitled Bring Back the Pussy 8 has now fueled approximately three straight days of horrible n-stage banter and in-van jokery. It’s hard argue with packaging plastered with phrases like “whatever happened to good old-fashioned pussy fucking?” and “what about girls who don’t do anal? They need to work too!” With logic that difficult to refute, how can you go wrong?

Final Night 1 Tally:
Bottles of wine consumed between two bands: 4
Stories above ground Slater from WWC puked off of outside the apartment: 4
Number of “Bring Back the Pussy” jokes told: approximately 25

More to come soon!

Fame By Proxy NOW ON SALE in digital form!

Hey fools, get yourself to the iTunes store RIGHT NOW, because Fame By Proxy is NOW AVAILABLE. Do this favor for yourself.

And remember, the HiFi/White Wrench Conservatory "Search for Snufflegus" Tour 2008 is starting FRIDAY at Quenchers in Chicago! We're sharing the stage with our pals Bear Claw and the Ellie Maybe Experience. Do come down, won't you?

You probably noticed that Rev.Ever has set up a Twitter feed that'll be updated periodically from his phone while we're on the road. You'll be able to find proper tour reports here and at the Fan-Belt blog, but be sure to check the Twitter feed for up-to-the-minute drunk texting! Technology!

By the way, here's where we'll be for the next two weeks. Do it up.

9.26.08 Chicago, Il: Quencher’s (w/Bear Claw & Ellie Maybe Experience)
9.27.08 Lansing, MI: Mac’s (w/some high school ska/punk bands, hell yeah)
9.28.08 Indianapolis, IN: 4828 College St (House show w/We Are Hex)
9.29.08 Bloomington, IN: Uncle Festers (w/Tremendous Fucking and We Are Hex)
9.30.08 Columbus, OH: Andyman’s Treehouse (w/Swiss Army Mouth and maybe Lollipop Factory)
10.01.08 Athens, OH: The (Bruce) Manor (w/Fleshworld)
10.02.08 Philly, PA: The Fire -- ALL AGES
10.03.08 Kingston, NY: The Basement
10.04.08 Boston, MA: O'Briens 18+ 3 PM EARLY SHOW (w/Tyler Hollis Derryberry, Get Laid, Thunderhole)
10.04.08 Jamaica Plain, MA: TBD House Show, probably with the same bands as the early show
10.05.08 South Windsor, CT: Was gonna be at Club 645 Pizza & Pub but i guess it's being moved. I'm not worried.
10.06.08 New Brunswick, NJ: The Parlor (w/Ho-Ag and some others)
10.07.08 Brooklyn, NY: Death By Audio
10.08.08 Baltimore, MD: Current Gallery
10.09.08 Greenville, NC: Spazzatorium Galleria/Spazz House
10.10.08 Washington, DC: Velvet Lounge
10.11.08 Covington, KY: The Down Under

Our Weekend With Arks: 11/2 MKE and 11/3 St. Paul

I am getting awfully bad about updating this shit on time, especially considering all the free time i have lately. Fortunately, i have a Statement of Purpose to put off writing, so...hai!

What will never cease to bring me epic degrees of warm fuzzies is this one truly beautiful aspect of being in a rock band: as a vehicle for meeting wonderful new people, it is second to none. After years of building up a literally nationwide cache of awesome rocker pals, from Replicator and eastward through Bang! Bang! and the Sump Pumps all the way to Ho-Ag, it blows my mind that as we enter our 8th year as a band, we have once again struck New Rocker Buddy Gold in the awesome guys that comprise Chicago's Arks. Paul, Lanny, Glennome and Mat are some rad and hilarious dudes, and we couldn't have had a better time playing two shows with them over the first weekend of this month.

The first of these shows happened at a newish Milwaukee gallery/all-ages space called the Borg Ward, which may now be one of my favorite places to play a show in the town. A basement-sized space in a room behind the gallery portion of the Borg Ward, the room basically puts forth the vibe of a basement show with the added benefit of being above ground in a legit venue with a decent PA. Astounding. This show was our first with every other band on the bill, all of whom were fantastic. elusive Parallelograms played a ramshackle set of Shoegazer-flavored psychedelia (Think Thurston and Lee playing with the 13th Floor Elevators) featuring a drunk-off-his-ass drummer who was probably more entertaining than he bargained for. Burbank Cartel play a great shoegazey (there's that genre twice now!) brand of indie rock with electronically-flavored drumming and great songwriting. And Arks! Oh, Arks. I hate to reference their Pitchfork review, but Girls Against Boys is really a good touchpoint for them, especially with Paul's vocals reminding me so much of Scott McCloud or Mark E. Smith. All three are truly fantastic. Arks' set in particular was hilarious thanks to some drunk heckling provided by that aforementioned eP drummer, the completely sauced Corey.

Also, The Borg Ward has a kitty:



Our set was worlds better than our last show, at Cactus Club. Lots of fun slamming into crowd members, playing guitars on ceilings, the lot. The best part was that other than a few of our regulars (Dixie, Thom, etc.), the gallery crowd at the show was filled with people who i think hadn't seen us before, and they were eating it up. On top of that, after the non-Mat Arks guys gushed about how much they enjoyed us, Mat got to inform them that we were playing with them the next night in St. Paul, a fact they somehow remained ignorant of until after we played on Friday! High-larious.

After the show, we loaded up and made our way to the Church of Murray for beers and hangout hilarity. Then, a night's rest, a morning's breakfast at Ma Fischer's, and we were on our way to St. Paul, Minnesotee.

We hadn't been expecting much from the Station 4 show in St. Paul. First of all, Mat and the guys from our Edina buddies Mise en Place went through just about every Twin Cities club in the area before settling on Station 4. Triple Rock--booked. Big V's--booked. Turf Club--yup, booked. And this was back in July and August! Also, we started hearing from friends in the area that Station 4 is a metal bar that no one goes to because it's out of the way of just about everything else that a self-respecting Twin Cities indie rocker goes to. Well, shit. That's too bad because Station 4 is actually a pretty nice place. Lots of space, HUGE stage (drum riser! DRUM! RISER!), and great sound thanks to a very metal but very polite and knowledgeable sound guy. I cannot say enough nice things about the venue, despite the fact that no one was there.

Seriously--Mise en Place brought along a handful of about 5 people, and we actually pulled in three thanks to the fortunate coincidence of my new Milwaukee friend Betsy being in town for a family wedding and wanting to get away with a couple pals to see us. Unfortunately, they got there as we were playing our last song, which is too bad because we brought it pretty solidly on this night. About 80% of the set was completely different from the night before, and we made full use of the ridiculous stage. Before we started playing, i walked over to the Wizard and said, "ok, when we're noising out, i want you to take the first cymbal i pull out of my kit and place it on the floor for me." So, as we were making our usual end-of-set cacophony, he complied with my request and i followed suit by taking another cymbal and placing it on the stage in front of the riser, enabling me to complete an awesome sequence where i jumped off the riser and crashed the first cymbal, then immediately jumped off stage and crashed the second one on the floor. Ah, theatrics.

The Arks set was even more hilarious the second night because i got the brilliant idea (after a few beers and a shot) to start yelling stuff like "If you guys were a pirate band, you be YAAAAAAARKS!" "If you guys were grassy, you'd be PARKS!" "If you guys thought pro wresting was real, you'd be MARKS!" Etc. Of course, Rev.Ever chose his moment perfectly, shouting near the end of the set, "If Fonzie jumped over you, you'd be SHARKS!" And of course, they were tremendous once again, as were our pals Mise en Place, busting out their fairly unique brand of noise-pop which we enjoy very very muchly.

Let it also be known that Mise en Place are excellent hosts. We made our way to their guitarist Michael's place for Domino's Pizza, beers, and Hi-Def boxing, while we got to say hello to his dog, Juno:



You'd think that now that i have a camera with a phone, you'd see more photos of the bands we play with. Nope, nope. To further illustrate the direction this journal is probably going in, here's a photo of the canine companion of Mise en Place's drummer, Shaun. This is Paul Stanley:



We awoke the next morning at Shaun's pad and met the Arks boys and the Mise en Place dudes for lunch before bidding them good journey on their way to Omaha. We then left for Milwaukee, finally managing to tune in the Packer game as soon as we crossed the border back into our home state (dirty pool, Vikings Country--although i suppose our team took care of that with a 34-0 shutout this weekend, did they not?), just in time to hear the Pack pull one out on the road against the Kansas City Chiefs. As of this writing, our boys in Green and Gold are 8-1. GO PACK GO!

HiFi "Minotaur Documentation" Tour '07, Day 4: 06.04.07 Bloomington, IN: Party Crashers

Another Monday on the road, another Punk Rock Night at Uncle Fester's in Bloomington. PRN in Bloomington is one of the most golden of oases in the world of DIY punk rock touring: a guaranteed hot crowd on a Monday night, which is a dead zone in any other city. Playing shows on the road on a Monday usually result in the locals saying, "man, come back on a weekend and it'll be much better." Yes, because bands are able to magically route their tours so that they're only traveling on weekends and the rest of the time they're home in their beds. Someday transporter technology will render weeknight shows obsolete.

Anyway, enough rambling. Despite a sudden decision by the state of Indiana to adopt Daylight Saving Time, thus denying us the extra hour we thought we had to get to Bloomington from Lansing (seriously, Hoosiers, wtf? My world has shifted), we still arrived in town early enough to find the bar still closed. After consulting the flyer to note that there are only three bands on the bill (us, Sump Pumps, and a local called Landlord), we drove to Rob and Kyl3 Sump Pump's place to chill out. As we made conversation, we asked Rob about the other band on the bill; he knew nothing. He then brought up how our Milwaukee pals Terrior Bute contacted him to get on the bill, as they needed a show on their way home from Baltimore. Rob had referred them to Josh at Fester's (as had i), but had heard nothing since.

Then the phone rings, and Rob has a conversation with Josh. Suddenly we discover that 1) Terrior Bute have arrived, having never heard anything from Josh and hoping to hop onto the show, and 2) ON TOP OF THAT, Josh had allowed two other touring punk bands to hop on last minute before Bute even showed up. Suddenly we had gone from three bands to SIX on a Monday night show that normally starts at 11 and ends by 2 (the bar closes at 3). WTF.

We arrive at the club and starting giving Terrior Bute good-natured shit when we see them. Obviously this isn't entirely their fault; Josh never responded to their email, and they showed up understanding that if nothing else, they'd get to hang out at the show. Admittedly, we were a little annoyed at the prospect of smashing six bands together on a Monday night, but fuck it--that's sort of what punk rock, DIY touring is about. Plus, Terrior Bute are our pals and a great band, so of course we're gonna help 'em out if we can. No question. Arrangements are made to have all three of our bands (Bute, Pumps, and us) share our gear, and away we went.

Credit Josh at this point for running the show like a goddamn machine. He started the show a half hour early (10:30), and instructed the other two late-arriving punk bands to share gear and play 15 minutes each. And to their credit, the switchover was quick and painless and both bands were done by roughly 5 after 11. Suddenly we were back on schedule (especially considering Bute play for 20-25 minutes, tops). So credit the first two bands for being efficient (but don't credit the second band's singer for being a dick and throwing a bottle up into the second level area and almost hitting Kyl3. Douche move, Massengill).

After Landlord's solid Dinosaur Jr. cover, we set up our gear for Terrior Bute, and the boys do us proud, slamming through their keytar jams and easily winning the crowd over (as we knew they would--c'mon, a crowd that likes us and the Sump Pumps? No-brainer for Terrior Bute). We hit the stage and blasted through some new tunes for the Bloomington crowd (i think last time we came through we treated them to "Paulding Light" and some Hot Nuggets! songs, but i think everything else new we're playing was new to them as well), and the Sump Pumps just killed. Their new material is seriously incredible, as the CD-R Rob burned for us confirms. Just...wow.

The other amazing thing about Bloomington is that you can buy beer until 3 AM there. Thus, on the way back from Fester's, a last-minute run to Kroger's was executed before closing time so we had beers to consume at the house. We kicked back and had a few with Matt the BattleBot (Murder By Death's bass player, who lives with Rob and Kyl3) as we watched Lewis Black on HBO. Yup, real livin'.

And so, our first multi-day road trip with Rev.Ever ends without a single hitch. I think the dude can hang.

HiFi "Minotaur Documentation Tour 2007 Day Three: 06.03.07 Lansing: "Jesus led me to the basement!"

One important piece of information needs to be remembered during the recap of our time in Lansing this time out:

Tom and Jim from Red Swan built a still.

This is what sludgy doom balladeers in central Michigan do when they are not doing rock and roll--they distill their own hooch from whatever occurs to them on that given day. Upon our arrival, we were given some "Apple Jack" to sample--distilled 100-proof apple liquor. It was a little vinegary and a whole lot tasty, y'all (and as i am writing this, it's been over a week since i drank it and i can still see, so i think they know what they're doing). Tom at one point admitted to a desire to distill an entire Ceasar salad. I expect a full report when this happens.

When our bands arrived at Mac's there was an all-ages show wrapping up which featured the following bands (see if you can guess the prevailing genre of the musical acts at this show): Bloodlined Calligraphy, Dagon, Straight Line Stitch, Know Lyfe, and Among the Atrocities. If you're picturing a scenario where we're standing outside the club as inside we hear chugg-ch-chugg-a-chugg RRRRROOOOWWWWRRR wreee-nee-nee-nee-neener CHUGG, you're pretty much spot on. Once the show ended, i watched the kids haul their fancy road cases and fancy equipment out of the venue as i waited to load in my beat-to-shit duct-tape-covered drumset into the venue. I watched these kids, all decked out in their black jeans and black hair and black black black things, and i looked at my friends and myself--me with my salt-and-peppered hair; The Wizard and Tom with their male pattern baldness; Yale with his Sconni dude paunch, and i imagined these kids staring at us and being convinced that we were waiting to get on stage to play CCR and ZZ Top covers all night. And while that would be fun, that's not exactly what we had in mind for the club.

What we did have in mind was the usual hot rock, which was delivered despite a pretty nasty derailment during "Defenestrate Me" that wasn't able to get back on track because vocals really couldn't be heard on stage. There was some nasty bass feedback ringing through the monitor mix that kept us from really hearing each other, but we trudged through like troopers to positive feedback (heh) from the small but attentive audience. And Red Swan KILLED it. Duh. Those guys need to play out of town more often and share the awesome with the rest of the Midwest at least.

Let's pause for a moment to check in on our resident rookie and see how he's been handling his first major multi-day HiFi road trip. As i alluded in the previous entry, Chicago saw our Rev.Ever get loaded up on the whiskey and beers and pass out but good in the most contorted of ways on Zak Starcastic's floor. When we awoke on Monday morning after Sunday's Lansing show and subsequent Apple Jack consumption, i noticed a cut on the Rev's forehead.

"Um, dude? Where did that come from?"

"Uh, i don't know! Um...OH! I remember! Tom took me downstairs to the basement to show me where they keep their gear, and i bashed my head on the ceiling going down the stairs, i think."

Remembering that Tom went to bed before any of us, i looked over at Tom and asked, "um, Tom? Did you take him down to the basement last night?"

Tom looked at us quizzically. "No......"

It was eventually decided that Jesus himself must have come to the Rev in a vision that night and led him into the basement in order to, well, crack him on the head, i guess. Bad Jesus. Naughty Jesus. But maybe he was trying to tell Rev.Ever something? We'll never know, but we do know that the Rev was definitely in the basement at some point, because he accurately described it to Tom.

After a quick Mexican lunch and a stop at a music store for supplies (as we entered the store, someone asked us which one of us was the drummer, to which Ever motioned at me and answered, "this guy." Another rookie mistake! I had to then explain to him why no one in the band is ever allowed to identify me as "the drummer" in a strange music store ever again), we were off for Bloomington. Thanks again, Lansing.

IfIHadAHiFi "Minotaur Documentation" Mini-Tour 2007 Day Two--06.02.07 Chicago: Superstarcastival!

"Hey Doc."

"Yeah Rev?"

"I noticed you put the recap for this show over on the Superstarcastic blog, where you are a regular contributor."

"Yes. Yes i did."

"What the fuck, man? You're neglecting the HiFi tour journals and pouring all your writing chops into something not directly related to the band? Where's your dedication to the music, man? Since when does some blog take precedence?"

"Dude, are you seriously questioning my dedication? You? New guy? Fine, i'll link the recap over to our journal too, and just for that, i'm gonna add how you got all tore up on whiskey and bierce, Karaoke'd on Demand to some R. Kelly jam, and passed out with your eyes half open."

"Dirty pool, Doc. Dirty pool."

IfIHadAHiFi "Minotaur Documentation" Mini-Tour 2007--Day One: 5.31.07 Madison: Vete Al Infierno

A few months ago, after this show was booked, we heard a story from our pal Slater, of white wrench conservatory and Two Room Honeymoon fame, about the Inferno, the goth bar we were playing on this night, this night of our first ever mini-tour with Rev. Ever. Basically, the point of the story was that upon visiting the bar, Slater and his pal made a solemn vow and wrote a contract on a napkin, which essentially said, "We, Slater and [Slater's friend], being of sound mind and body, do solemnly swear to never again make fun of Club Anything." (Club Anything, aka Club ? aka Club Interrobang, aka Club Huh, aka Club Riddler, etc. is the local Milwaukee goth bar, which, well, is sort of a running joke in these parts for myriad reasons, including it being A GOTH BAR.) So we were prepared for GOTHIC MADNESS as we pulled up to the club.

Unfortunately, no such luck. Apparently they all know that on one Thursday night per month, our buddy Jake Crustacean books bands he digs and plays music he likes, so they run for the hills. So with the exception of a couple girls in back of the bar who inexplicably kept yelling at the bands to play quieter and turn it down, most of the 30-40 people in attendance were indie rockers and bands filled with indie rockers. Amongst the pluses: my little brother Kris, aka Skippy Awkward (yes, it's not a palindrome. Inside joke); old pal, ex-echo-static drummer and fill-in Brainerd drummer Chad Ovshak; and other old pal Eric Amble, who wanted to evaluate the new guy. Solid folk, all.

Openers Road Agent Spin played a competent set of catchy power-pop, the highlight of which was a rippin' cover of Thin Lizzy's "Cowboy Song." Brainerd headlined and totally fucking tore the roof off the sucker with loud as fuck Unsane-meets-Killdozer nastiness. And our set? Went over great, but it was "eh," i thought. Well, no, not "eh"--better than that, but we had some issues, notably Yale needing to borrow one of the Rev's guitars at the last monute as he hadn't realized that he messed up both his guitar's jacks in Minneapolis last weekend. So his guitar tone was a little weird, which threw me off. No biggie, really, and we still played well. Even if the ladies in the back thought we were too loud and one of the friends that Kris brought with him wasn't feeling it. Heh.

Instead of taking cash from the door as payment, we took what we made ($31!) and invested in a couple copies of Hot Nuggets! for the tour, via Jake. A pretty smart idea, as those six copies will gross over $60 by the time we get them sold.

Friday June 1st was a "day off" on the mini-tour (ha!) as we had been expecting the Superstarcastival to take place on this day instead of Saturday. Once that got shifted around, we really had no options for Friday night except for playing a quickie in Milwaukee, and frankly, we're playing too much in the town this summer as it is. So we rested up on Friday and awaited departure for Chicago Saturday.